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|Freshman Guide to Bra Removal |
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying,
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength,
CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"
|Drug Used to Seduce Men |
Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially
in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators
at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for
almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.
Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...
|A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son |
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you
the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have
to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and
haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail
with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal
bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or
a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off
playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were
in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned.
They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please
let me know and I will send another one.
|If Men Ruled the World |
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus
and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
- But it would be celebrated every month.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
- Two words: Ally McNaked.
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view
event in world history.
- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
- Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and
see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the
leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol
may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and
sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
I will put all my favorite jokes here.
|I Gonna Back to Italy |
(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings
me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my
plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress
brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand,
I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me
a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit.
He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna
ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace
unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''
|5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines |
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you
like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about
we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat
|Arkansas State Residency Application |
ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_)
Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number
of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
|Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends |
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody
breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place
and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large
flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of
toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew
that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again
on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter
on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can
see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud
rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just
let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it. You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive
domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be
fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About fifteen seconds later the young rooster takes
off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already
about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer
sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
What's blue, red, and goes "pop"?
A zombie baby exploding out
of Cookie Monster's belly.
What's red, and covered in ribbons?
baby playing in intestines.
What's the best gift to give a zombie baby?
What's green, blue, red, and tastes funny?
A zombie baby eating a clown.
What's white and red and wears rubber gloves?
being eaten alive by a zombie baby.
What's cuter than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby with a bunny head in its mouth.
What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?
baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.
What's 18 inches long, red, yellow and makes women scream?
A zombie baby chomping the head off the family parakeet.
What's funnier than a zombie baby?
baby dressed as Dan Rather.
What's black and white and red all over?
A nun being
devoured by Satanic zombie babies.
How do you put a zombie baby to sleep?
Decapitate it, set it on fire,
and scatter the ashes.
What's grosser than nailing a zombie baby to a post?
it pull itself off and then try and eat you.
What I think of
If you're flying down the highway, and your wings fall off your boat how many pancakes can you stack
on top of a green doghouse?
If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a minute and a half, how long would it take a monkey
with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?
"Streakers *repant* your end is in sight."
oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
If the circumference of a circle is the distance
around the edge of it, and the diameter is the distance through that same circle, how many licks does it take to get to the
centre of a tootsie roll toastie pop?
If you look deeply emough into any person's soul, you can see the emu within
them struggling to get out. Actually, most people don't have emus in their soul. Just me. - Invisible Dave, Lady of Emus
and gentleman, hoboes and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes, and bowlegged ants. I stand here before you, not behind you, to tell
you something I know nothing about. Last night about 6:00 this morning, an empty truck loaded with bricks almost killed my
dead cat. We rushed him to the hospital, slow as we could, only to find King Arthur, sitting at the fourth corners of the
round table eating vinegar with a fork.
On the back of Midol, it says 'do not take if you have painful urination due
to enlarged prostates.' Well i'll be darned!- Jessica W.
One bright day, in the middle of the night, two dead boys
stood up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other. Drew their swords, and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the
sound, and put those boys back in the ground. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask Harry the blind man, he saw it, too.
shining day in the midle of the night, the river Torrens caught alight The blind man saw, the deaf man heard, the dumb man
phoned the fire brigade. The fire brigade, drawn by six dead horses, ran over a dead cat and half killed it, and arrived at
the fire ten minutes before it started and put it out with petrol and kerosene. The man with no legs walked off in disgust...
i would build a gremlin trap... bait it with dirty socks or something.. then you could sell them to the zoo... i would go
to the zoo to see gremlins...
Small, green leafy bodies, long tongues drooling over sharp incisors, they weren't human,
they were brussel sprouts, killer brussel sprouts.
Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting
with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked
Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around
neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature
Sometimes I wish there was an evil bug infestation in town. Then I could go and beat the crap out of them,
and be a hero or something. It'd also probably be good for stress relief. Yeah, we could probably hire some of them to get
beat up by really messed up people, like me.
Therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is free.
When I'm feeling
down, I like to eat a bucket of fried chicken in front of a Jenny Craig Outlet.
Winny and I lived in a house that
ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Yes, it was big. And ugly. And smelly. But none of that was important, because
it was my big, ugly, smelly thing that I had found at the landfill and no one could take it away from me. Unless they felt
Love makes the world go 'round? So what? Beer makes it go 'round twice as fast.
Remember I before
E, except in Budweiser.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Always do sober what you said
you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway
American beer is like making love in
a canoe. It's f*cking close to water. - Monty Python
And God said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good.
Then God said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a
bump and spill your beer.
Dough, the stuff, that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that tends the bar, Me, the guy, who drinks
my beer, Far, the distance to the bar, So, I think I'll have a beer, La, Laa lAA lAh LaH LAA LAAAH! Tea, no thanks I want
a beer, which brings us back to Dough Dough Dough!
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
I feel sorry
for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra
have a drink to celebrate the little things. Like Tuesdays - we only have one of those a week!
I killed a six-pack
just to watch it die.
I swear to drunk I'm not God!
I'd rather have a beer than win father of the year - Homer
You are drunk when you feel sophisticated but you can't pronounce it.
You know you are getting old,
when happy hour is a nap.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin
The Echo Swamp Incident
By Kristian Hailey
As I moved quickly through the dense woods near Echo Swamp just after sunset, I heard a strange eerie (almost
unearthly) sound coming from the dark damp undergrowth that I had just passed .The sound coming from the dark damp undergrowth
that I had just passed. The sound was followed by three or four unusual clicks or snaps. I slowly stopped, reluctantly turned
my head, and cautiously looked over my shoulder. I saw a giant magical beaver that ate the children of gopher-cow hybrids.
He had an eerie war cry of "Pi r squared!
All of a sudden I popped out my Little
Tykes golf club and beat him down. Chinchillas popped in left and right to save him but I kept them at bay by asking them
non-Euclidian geometry questions. While they were stunned I summoned Pappy the Boxing Gerbil (for a small fee of course) to
defeat them. Pappy was outnumbered and perished in the midst of battle. I didnt really care because now I didnt have to pay
him. With his last dying breath he cried, Wheres my Maypo!?
When Pappy had died I had noticed Charlie
walking up. I quickly said, Oh no, Charlie! but it was too late. The chinchillas got him. I ran away screaming. I headed for
the nearest Mr. Clean Laundry Palace to hide. As I ran inside I fell into a giant puddle of mud and said, 1+0.5=1.5, yea I
can wash my clothes!
Our next adventure pops up as Kaia
the Kid from Kinichia to ally with me, Charlie, and the now Pappy.
Then we ran back to face the
chinchillas. There were four of us and we multiplied our powers together, using the equation 4 squared equals 16 and defeated the 16 chinchillas. Then Miranda walked up and asked if she could join
our superhero group. That is how I became the Super Good Looking Man! and Kaia became a school nurse for the school of insane
or helpless children. Patrick attended that school for his 4 high school years. Pappy is resting in peace now at the Gerbil
Graveyard for Latter Day Saints. Charlie got buried with thething that ate him. Deanna, Molly, Miranda, and I became the All
s and 1 Guy Justice League and everything was wonderful from then on.